Random Day - Plastic Utensils

February 5, 2017

Before I begin, let me assure you that this is not a post about sporks. Sporks are dangerous. They are evil. Their souls are black and I will never speak of them on this blog - ever. If I have in the past, I never will again.

At least, for as long as I can remember that I'm not supposed to.

That said... all other utensils are fair game. So I'm going to talk about sporks' curvy cousins, the plastic spoons.

Specifically, I'm going to talk about the dangers of spoons. Here is why: one of them has attacked me.

Look at them, making ice cream possible.
I would never pick up a spoon and assume I'm in danger of having my tongue cut to shreds or otherwise mutilated. Typically, these fears are reserved for knives. In rare cases, a fork should require you sign a disclaimer before use. But a spoon? Particularly plastic spoons? They come nested together in perfect rows, lovingly cuddling each other and making your romantic life a joke. They are the favorite tool of children. Most plastic spoons will fit in any jar! They are helpful and disposable and they don't complain about the 1% - the silver-city elite spoons you keep safely hidden in a drawer for Christmas dinner.

But, some form sleeper cells of rage. They carry small slivers of plastic and they draw blood like machetes. I had a run-in with one of these. I dared to be less that environmentally friendly, and my tongue paid the price.

I have stopped bleeding, but the pain remains! It is evil. Not bad enough for me to run for medication, but bad enough that I can't ignore it. Instead, it will bug me all day.

I got my revenge. I broke that spoon into four pieces... I bet you didn't know that was possible. I didn't think it, either.

May this post serve as a warning to all. You can't trust spoons.